Never Say Never…

I honestly never ever thought I would do this, but I have made the heart wrenching and difficult decision to be a SAHM (stay at home mom). I’ll be honest, it’s not just that I never thought I WOULD do this. It’s that I never thought I COULD.

When I had Marielle, maternity leave was the worst thing that I ever lived through. It wasn’t because Marielle was a difficult baby. It was because I was totally lost. Lost as to what I was supposed to be doing all day. I thought moms with new babies are always busy and running around crazy, but I didn’t find that at all. I thought that I should be entertaining her all day and I thought I would be needing to do stuff for her all day long. It really wasn’t like that. I was a little bored at times. I read to her and went on walk after walk after walk around the block, but it wasn’t the busy craziness that I thought it would be. I wondered endlessly and cried wondering “what do i do with this thing that is my baby???” She doesn’t talk to me, she doesn’t watch cartoons, she doesn’t even play!! There was nothing to entertain. What do I do with this 2 and 3 month old little blob. Really, when they are that little, they are little blobs that just sit there, they literally don’t do ANYTHING! So, I was extremely relieved to return to work and talk to people that talked back and really just hang out with other non-blobs. I brought Marielle to daycare everyday, and although it was hard to leave her, I could not deal with me and one little blob at home together all day long. I was really ok going to work everyday, and I really did make money so I thought it was worth it for me to work.

Which brings me to baby #2 – Aliza, the difficult baby. This time maternity leave was completely different and still not what I was expecting. I thought I had learned from maternity leave #1 and I now know that I don’t have do be singing and dancing to entertain the blob all day long. I thought, since we’ll have 2, there will be lots of housework and grocery shopping and stuff to keep my busy. Well, since Aliza cried my ENTIRE maternity leave, I didn’t really get to get caught up on housework or anything else. I was crazy trying to figure her out, and wondering what I did to God to make him want to give me this, not just blob, but a screaming blob – ALL DAY LONG. This time when I went back to work in January, I was glad to get away from the screaming. She was screaming less, but I was still kind of going crazy and needed to get out of the house.

I thought I would be making enough money to justify it, but I am really not. I don’t take home much money, and working to pay others to raise my babies doesn’t make sense. So yesterday morning, I went into my boss’s office and quit my job. I shed a few tears, but I know it is the right thing to do for my family. And she agreed. She, and my other co-workers, said they didn’t have the option when their kids were little. I am blessed to have the option. They know I am only thinking of my little girls and their upbringing.

I am going to stay working until the end of May when Marielle “graduates” from her 1 year old class. Then she will start pre-school in September 2 days a week. So from June until September – I am free as a bird!! Except for those 2 kids that I have to take care of EVERYDAY!! So, not quite free as a bird.

For now, I have play dates to get planning – and summer swim days maybe? Anybody interested – I have the pool??!!  Who wants to come play with these babies?